My mind harks back to my college days and it’s surprising how those four years sped by. Time and tide surely wait for no man and I recollect all those incidents, which though seemingly petty then, now emerge to be significant.
I have had my share of failures, while at college. And which failure or regret could be more hurting than failing to get to know the girl you are captivated with? Girls…temptuous, exciting, lovable beings, are fascinating creations indeed, of the Creator, but wasn’t it Eve who led Man to sin?
Romance, it is said, usually begins, behind the stage, in the green room, before the rehearsals. But mine began the moment I set eyes on her…the ‘it hit me like a ton of bricks’ variety, the moment I suddenly espied her in the class.
Quiet, dignified, chiselled features, light complexioned, a beautiful smile…I found her wonderfully attractive. She set my mind whirling, occupied my thoughts day after day and her slightest glance was heaven. Something about her, often some insignificant characteristic – perhaps the look in her eyes, the way she raised her eyebrows at times, the modulation of her voice or the sweet smile which, according to my love struck eyes, only she could be capable of, found me head over heels in love with her. On one occasion, she stood so close, that by leaning, almost imperceptibly, I could touch her shoulders, my eyes dancing with joy. She seemed so vital, so lovely and warm and happy, I wanted to draw her close to me, so alive was she, with the sweetness of life.
My tenderness for this girl grew very rough and wild and it frightened me, but helped me realise that a man’s love for his woman is made of such elements. My feelings were new and strange; suddenly love songs went right, knees knockety-knock and my heart bumpety -bump. I even lost my appetite. All this, when I hardly knew her as a person. Me…in love with a girl, I hardly knew. This surprised my friends to no end. They argued that one couldn’t fall in love with a stranger…one had to know her. Well but, you can always fall in love with a stranger, and then get to know, can’t you? was my lame defence.
I never ever garnered the courage to speak to her. Would she have accepted me if I had asked her? I wonder! She may never have known my sincerity. But it is said that no woman is unaware of the feelings she stirs in a man, even if he is a stranger. Is this true? Or would she have been so naive as not to understand my admiration for her? I shall never know, though many occasions in the past presented me the opportunity.
Suffering is a large part of life and you can’t understand life until you have suffered and it is love which has given me the pain that is but the appetiser, which makes pleasure the more palatable. Love is powerful and strong. It can hurt as well as help.
But then, my dreams were shattered. All those castles I had built in the clouds, meticulously, carefully, and with effort, came tumbling down and broke into a thousand splinters, each splinter further grounding to dust, with the final realisation of the folly I had driven myself into.
Paroxysms of emotion had swept over me; shame, fury, defeat, confusion, fear, frustration, anxiety, each state of distress quite separate, leaving a different residue of gall in the mouth.
I would never meet her again. Love…that great mass of confusion would weigh down my heart… something, to remind me of my college life. Was that love, or just an infatuation which collegians are prone to?
